Five years ago, I didn’t know what to do with my life. I did not know what I wanted.
Of course, everyone back then would tell me that it was normal to feel that way, that we all go through a phase as vague as that. You go through a life of being a student, a child, basically, going to bed at night and praying that you’d pass your exams the next morning. That’s all you worry about at that time. And then, you graduate, get your degree, yada yada, and for the time being, you feel like you’re just walking quietly, peacefully, and all of a sudden, someone pushes you into a 10-foot swimming pool (that just appeared out of nowhere), and you do not know how to swim.
Well, that was the story of my life.
And so I prayed.
That’s what we do when we do not know what to do, we pray. Well… That’s what I do.
I asked for the obscurity to, at least, be a little vivid. Just a little. Moving to a new city just like that would scare the crap out of a book freak who just got her degree that she didn’t want to make use of. I did not have friends. I did not know the place. But eventually, I got a job I liked then, and after a while, it got a little less scary.
That’s what you do when you’re faced with a dilemma. Back then, the only thing I wanted to happen was for the day to keep ending. I didn’t like the feeling of not knowing what could happen, so I wanted it to all just pass me by. Not gently, because that would hurt more.
I decided that I wanted to write. That’s all I wanted to do: write. I had a day job back then, and it was okay, but I wasn’t that happy anymore. It was really scary, not knowing where I’d end up in the future, but I gave all of that away so I can write. And I did.
I set up a website, MarshMary, so I can just write, no matter what people would say or if people did have anything to say. I chose my happiness over all the worries I had in the world.
Lately, I haven’t really been writing that much on MarshMary. And it’s just recently that I discovered that my hosting service provider has cancelled the whole account. I totally forgot about it, since I didn’t really check it that much anymore.
This morning, I wanted to write. I called up their customer service, and they told me that I’d need to pay a HUGE unreasonable fee for the restoration of all my files and the website’s database. I wasn’t really worried at first because I thought I had backups somewhere. And I did… From 2015. Two years since I cared enough to back the website up. And it’s my fault.
Which brings me to my next point.
There’s always a reason why things like these happen. Everything I wrote in five years is gone, just like that. And that’s because I was careless, and I stopped writing for a while. My heart is broken into a million pieces right now, but this just goes to show that I should have remembered what this website really meant to me even before it was gone.
That’s the thing about life, Kids. Sometimes, you really do not know the value of something that’s just in front of you until you actually lose it. And at the end of the day, it’s either you just cry about it and waste your time thinking of the things you could have done, or you just accept it, do better next time, and just move along.